No, I am not referring to the morning after a bad decision where the guilt swallows you whole and the only place left on Earth where judgment does not exist is cuddled under the sheets on your own bed. I am talking about the morning after you made that radical decision to go for it! The morning after you actually stopped chasing your dreams and finally grasped that bad boy in your hands! The morning after you stopped talking about it and the morning after you actually did it!
Moment of Transparency! A moment we don’t too often allow ourselves in the age of “perfection”. Everything has to seem so perfect we forget in the real world there is no such thing! I only want to be real and raw with you. So if you can’t handle that, thanks for reading the above paragraph and see you next time on Instagram!
But for those who can handle my truth, let’s go together in my world of creative chaos!
For the past month and a half leading up to this Masterclass I have been a wreck! I have cried more times than a newborn baby. I have second-guessed every ounce of my ability to engage an audience. I have spent all my free time brainstorming ways to execute this class better and equally as much time coming up with excuses why none of this will work. I have pissed off friends and left them in their upset as I continued on this path of uncertainty. To be honest, I had no idea if anyone would even show up. I had nightmare after nightmare about all the things I would forget and how awful I would make myself look! I scaled down the amount of attendees in an effort to be “more intimate” when in fact I scaled it down to comfort my fears. Up until this very morning, I was stuck in the classic picture of what it looks like when someone is achieving something greater than they have ever imagined. I was displaying the classic “Hold on people, I am stepping out of my comfort zone here! Be patient with me”. Every moment up until today I wanted to vomit. And as the turn in my stomach began and the anxiety began to dance, I realized, I did it!
I survived my FIRST STEP OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE! I have heard the stories over and over. All the cliché messages attached. Spoiler Alert! They are all accurate! The most painful feeling ever in life, is that first step out of your comfort zone. It pains every bone in your body. It makes you start talking some reckless things to yourself. Like, “I can’t and this is dumb and what am I thinking.” It causes you to look to everyone else for validation instead of that small voice on the inside that told you to go for it in the first place. If I have learned anything in this process, it’s that we don’t go for it because we are afraid of what others will say if we #FAIL. We don’t want to hear the “I told you so”. We don’t want to prove the “haters” right! First of all, there are no haters. “Haters” are admirers with distorted and displaced admiration. (s/o to Ashley for teaching me that!) They have their own set of fears and they are projecting them on you, be careful not to hang around these folks too often while pursing a goal. Someone who is afraid of heights will never encourage you to fly!
I learned that I was more concerned with the audience’s reaction that the greatness on the inside! You can’t be great if you are afraid of the audience! The audience is here to guide us! As creatives, we hold on so tight to our babies not realizing that the audience critique is what makes us better. I have taught myself and new nurses alike, to remove the tone. It’s not negative or positive, It’s just information that I can use or toss. It’s all up to me! But I am not allowed to absorb it so deeply that I don’t feel my own passion anymore. I am not allowed to turn their volume up so loud that I don’t hear my own voice. I am not allowed to let those words cut so far in that I can’t stop the bleeding. I am only allowed to hear and respect the words given.
But of all the lessons, the most beautiful thing I have discovered is my #Exhale moment. I discovered that I will breathe again but only when I let go and surrender to my own greatness. I discovered the unshakeable courage that comes when you move past the fear of that first step outside of your comfort zone. The strength that comes the morning after you ride full throttle for your dreams. That new shoulders back, chin up walk you execute once you realize ALL things CAN and WILL be done. This weekend was that for me. I discovered the joy in trusting myself. I discovered the softness in allowing things to just be as I take that first step. I learned the caterpillars of anxiety will turn into butterflies of curiosity once I see the new territory out there to conquer. I learned that I can allow those who love me to tell me it will be fine. They are right! I learned that it is perfectly normal to panic and that it’s okay to gravitate to those who gently talk me off the ledge. I learned how stifling my comfort zone was. But most importantly, I learned my #magic.
This morning after is unlike I have ever felt. No nasty hangover, no regret. Just pure gratitude. I encourage you to join me on the other side. It will be tough. It will feel impossible but (brace yourself for another one of those cliché statements) you were put on this Earth to be great!
So go Surprise yourself today! Worst case scenario, you can run back in to your little space of comfort. But any one who has ever stepped out will tell you; there is NO GOING BACK!